A Love Story Of Sorts

I originally wrote this for the sweet and amazing Nicole at My Teacups in Peony, as part of her Love Story series...we thought it might be a neat little twist. Instead, I am posting it on my blog because as much as it is a Love Story, I truly adore how hers are stories of couples, and she was gracious and kind enough (of course) to understand and support me posting it here...for you. Especially because ya'll have been with me on this journey of mine. You should definitely check out Nicole's blog if you don't read it already, it's lovely!

So It's a Love Story...of sorts.

I haven't been single since the 4th grade. Brandon Payne brought me flowers on the playground (lil pimp) and I was smitten with him all the way to middle school where I promptly broke his lil heart and have since dated and loved some of the most wonderful men with whom I shared amazing years, take your breath away special moments, and built memories, some I thought would last forever.

They didn't.

I am single, at this moment, tonight, by choice. I ended my last relationship in April, and the past 6 months have taken me on a journey that at first had me kicking and screaming, crying and fighting. I didn't want to be single, you see. I wasn't supposed to be. I experienced a particularly rough weekend, a few months ago, filled with horrible dates, wasted makeup, multiple teary calls to my best friend after which I told myself NO MORE DATING. Me? I am the worlds BEST girlfriend, I thought. I have so much love to give! What am I going to do with all of it? Why is God, the universe just letting it go to waste? Where's Ashton because I am totes being punked!

It was one of those moments...lightbulb, kick in the ass, whatever. Maybe I was wasting it on those who were undeserving. What if instead, I channeled all that love into...myself??

I stuck to it. My love story is one of turning inward...and learning to love myself, on my own. I used to depend on my significant other for so much, and I'm talking about way more than late night runs to CVS to bring me ice cream. My self worth, my identity, was always wrapped up completely in whomever I was dating. I lost friends. I hate to say that I was at times, that girl. I'm still a work in progress, but I have never felt as complete as I do now...single. Of course I get lonely, and miss having a chest to rest my head on at night. It's in those moments, where I look at my grandma's rosary hanging from the lamp on my bedside table, barely lit up by a street light and remember...now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

Have you ever felt your heart getting stronger or seen your identity emerge with a force you've never known? I am so different...and I love it. I have had so much time alone to think...to work on myself and figure out what exactly I need from my next, and hopefully last, partner.

I love being in love, you guys. I'm good at it. I truly believe that it is out there for me, again. HE is. I believe that if I had settled, or stayed or forgave yet again, sure I might be part of a couple, an "us", but I wouldn't be happy. I would always wonder...about myself, and about him.

Life leads us on so many different journeys, takes us places we never expected to go. I believe my love story began when I broke free of those expectations and let go...instead of wanting what I didn't have, I began appreciating every single thing I DO have....all the love being literally showered on me by family, friends, even and especially my bloggy ladies (and gents! there are like 3 of ya)...and I began to love them back with the same vengeance and fierceness. I began to get to know Liz again...Not" Liz and Derek", or "Evan's girlfriend Liz." (Names have been changed to protect the dbags.)

With that said, I can't wait to meet HIM. Now, when I meet someone I am willing to invest in, I don't forget who I am, what I have learned in the past 6 months, the things you have helped me see. My self worth, my identity will never be dependent on a man. The next man in my life will encourage my friendships, because these ladies aren't going anywhere, ever. I will never stop loving myself, because as I've told so many friends before and finally decided to take my own advice...How can anyone truly love you when you don't completely love yourself?